I am currently working Job #5 as a graduate teaching assistant. These college students are very socially awkward (as they keep telling me and the professor). After talking to these students, I realized how important talking actually is.
The Fear of Dating
Recently, the professor led a discussion about gaining confidence through dating, and most of the students didn’t respond well.
One student said that going up to random women to get numbers is gross and to “rizz up strangers” is harassment. Another said that he didn’t see the point in pursuing relationships with people that he didn’t see a future with. This other student didn’t understand why random people would talk to each other if they didn’t know each other. A fourth student said that people can find fulfilling relationships without great social skills.
Most of the students have such extreme social anxiety that they conflate talking to people with romantic/sexual interest with harassment.
The Professor’s Response
The professor ripped the students apart for their reactions. He reminded them that simply going up to people isn’t harassment. Then he said that they added a layer of creepiness to normal behavior. Later, he said that the reason that these students have social anxiety is because they don’t talk to people.
My Thoughts Before
I think that the common belief is to settle in your career and then find a long-term relationship. What if your current job ends and you can’t find a new one? When you start your career, will you have to move? What if your partner starts their career but has to move?
Both of you would need the same idea of what your futures look like. If you both want to work, then you’d have to reach your careers at around the same time. When you do reach your careers, you’d have to make sure that you’re still living close to each other. You both constantly need to stay on the same page when there are so many factors out of your control.
No one wants their relationship to fail, so why set yourself up for failure? People’s futures usually have more certainty and stability after they settle into their careers, which is why they wait until then to meet people.
Right?
My Thoughts Now
Though I still believe that establishing your career is important for a relationship, the professor didn’t talk about relationships. Not every person that you date becomes your partner, and not every person that you talk to becomes your date.
As much as I believe that settling into careers is important for long-term relationships, I also think that it’s important to continuously meet new people while working toward careers. The point is that when you do find the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll know how to talk to them.
This piece of advice doesn’t just apply to relationships. It also applies to friendships, families, job interviews, and other situations in which you have to talk to people.
Now, I want to be clear: I DO NOT think that people should use each other. That being said, most of your relationships are not going to work out. You more than likely didn’t go into those relationships knowing that they’d end with breakups. That doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from your experience and move on.
Again, this doesn’t just apply to relationships. This applies to all situations that require communication.
Unfortunately, a lot of young people today are afraid to talk to each other.
Empathy
I know what it’s like to put yourself out there only for people that you trust to reject you. I’m not going to downplay how much that hurts. Depending on how important these people are to you, the rejection can be straight-up traumatizing.
Because of this, I default to my skills when introducing myself: I built a website, I danced in a ballroom competition (and the judges rated me really well), I’m learning about Vietnamese history, I can play pool, etc. I love these activities, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t also pursue them because I want other people (especially dates and potential boyfriends) to think that I’m interesting and respectable.
I have that bad habit of assuming that I just need these skills and everything else will fall into place. I know deep down that this isn’t true because as I drive to first dates, I pray for lightning strikes. (The actual dates are usually great, but I don’t know that beforehand). Putting myself out there still scares me. Because of this, I have empathy for these students for not wanting to take risks and talk to new people.
Tough Love
There is a whole world out there. I know that it’s not worth shutting myself away from the whole population just because of a few rejections and bad experiences.
Talking to people is important if you want to enter the video game industry (which most of these students do). Talking to people is important regardless of what job you want. Interviewers need to know that you can work with other people. How can you work with other people if you can’t talk to them? Obviously, merit matters, but most managers want to hire people that they’d like.
Reaching out, for any reason, can feel like throwing yourself into the abyss. When I reach out, I’m not sure that things will get better. But I know that they’ll get worse if I refuse to try.
There are lots of great people that I’ve met because I threw myself into that abyss. There are a lot of opportunities that I’ve gotten because of the connections that I made. Putting myself out there, whether for new friends, a cute guy, or professionals in the video game industry, made me better as a person. I know now that I can impress people with my accomplishments and as a nice person to be around. The world feels a lot less scary when I remember this.
Some people, including a lot of these students, may not want to take that chance. They’re adults, so it’s their choice to shut themselves away from real human interaction. I can’t make that choice for them, but I do know that that’s a lonely life. Given how big the world is and that there are good people in it, I’d rather experience it.
